The Signet book of American humor
(Book)

"Who's on first?" / Bud Abbott, Lou Costello -- from The Dilbert principle / Scott Adams -- "The fable of what happened the night the men came to the women's club" / George Ade -- "Transcendental wild oats" / Louisa May Alcott -- from Without feathers, from "The scrolls" / Woody Allen -- from They used to call me Snow White...but I drifted ; from The Hartford Courant, "Not-so-evident truths that deserve attention" ; "Thank God I'm a middle-aged broad" ; "Why do I feel guilty? : let me count the ways" / Regina Barreca -- from Dave Barry's greatest hits, "The lesson of history" ; "Read this first" / Dave Barry --

from Down the street, "Spelling" ; "Love adventure" ; "How to draw girls" ; "Jump shot" / Lynda Barry -- from Chips off the old Benchley, "Tiptoeing down memory lane" ; "Good luck, and try and get it" ; from The Benchley roundup, "French for Americans" ; "Opera synopses" / Robert Benchley -- from Adult children of normal parents, "Fattening food neutralizers" ; "The chronicle of a crush as a pie chart" ; "Dysfunctional family greeting cards" / Jennifer Berman -- from The cynic's word book / Ambrose Bierce -- "In the Barcelona Cancer Center" / Amy Bloom -- From punchline, I don't get it / Elayne Boosler -- from The 2000 year old man / Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner -- from Manchild in the promised land / Claude Brown -- from Artemus Ward, his travels, "Affairs round the village green" / Charles Farrar Browne -- from Brain droppings, "Things you never see" ; "Baseball and football" ; "Play ball" ; "Unnecessary words" ; "There are no times that don't have moments like these" / George Carlin -- from The four elements, "Mixed marriage : food fight" ; "The end of innocence" / Roz Chast -- from I'm the one that I want / Margaret Cho -- "An indignation dinner" / James David Corrothers -- from Love and marriage, "Till talk do you part" / Bill Cosby -- from The woman who caught the idea ; from Smith College stories, "The education of Elizabeth" / Josephine Daskam -- from My point...and I do have one / Ellen DeGeneres -- "Jack and Gill : a scholarly commentary" / Joseph Dennie -- from The complete mother ; from Phyllis Diller's marriage manual / Phyllis Diller -- from Invisible man / Ralph Ellison -- from Journal / Ralph Waldo Emerson -- from Heartburn / Nora Ephron -- "The lover not taken" / Blanche Farley --

from Fern leaves from Fanny's portfolio, "The model widower" ; "Mistaken philanthropy" ; "Important for married men" ; "Owls kill humming-birds" ; "A law more nice than just" ; from The life & beauties of Fanny Fern, "A whisper to romantic young ladies" ; "Don't disturb him!" / Fanny Fern -- from Fried green tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Café / Fannie Flagg -- from No shirt, no shoes...no problem! / Jeff Foxworthy -- from Redd Foxx, B.S. / Redd Foxx -- from Oh, the things I know!, "Oh, the things you'll keep telling yourself!" / Al Franken -- "Model of a letter" ; "On selecting a mistress" ; "A petition of the left hand" / Benjamin Franklin -- "Easter is cancelled" / Adrianne Frost -- from How to raise your I.Q. by eating gifted children / Lewis Burke Frumkes -- "Queer people" / Charlotte Perkins Gilman -- from The princess bride / William Goldman -- "Graded paper" / Mark Halliday -- from With malice toward some / Margaret Halsey -- "Worrywarts and all" / Lynn Harris -- "The haunted man" / Bret Harte -- from If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?, "Swinging through England" ; "Take a career woman, please" ; from When your phone doesn't ring, it'll be me, "Fathers and daughters : a pop quiz" ; from Get your tongue out of my mouth, I'm kissing you good-bye, "What's a guy to do?" / Cynthia Heimel -- "The ransom of Red Chief" / O. Henry -- from Female problems, "Eeek! It's Kathie Lee!" ; "Notes from the traveler who whines" ; from The whole enchilada / Nicole Hollander -- from The widder Doodle's courtship, "I wish I was a widder by Betsy Bobbet" ; "On marriage" ; "On competition" / Marietta Holley -- from Laughing to keep from crying / Langston Hughes -- from Their eyes were watching God / Zora Neale Hurston -- from You got to dance with them what brung you, "Folks aren't really good at heart? I'm not giving up" / Molly Ivins --

from Fear of flying / Erica Jong -- from Running fiercely toward a high thin sound / Judith Katz -- from Up the down staircase, "A doze of English" / Bel Kaufman -- "Marooned" / Garrison Keillor -- "One-liners" / Florynce Kennedy -- from How I got to be perfect, "Can this romance be saved?" ; "Out of town with a show" ; "The conversation gap" / Jean Kerr -- from Eroticism is a two-way street, and I'm working both sides / James Kincaid -- from Help! I'm a prisoner in a Chinese bakery, "After you say 'I do'...you don't" / Alan King -- from Pumping irony, "Chic coffee : say it ain't so, Joe" / Tony Kornheiser -- from Social studies, "Things" / Fran Lebowitz -- from Leading with my chin / Jay Leno, with Bill Zehme -- "Top ten good things about being named George W. Bush" ; "Top ten signs you've hired a bad department store Santa / David Letterman -- from Gentlemen prefer blondes ; from But gentlemen marry brunettes / Anita Loos -- from Stand-up routines / "Moms" Mabley -- from What the dogs have taught me and other amazing things I've learned, "Stupid women, stupid choices" ; "An insider's guide to the American woman" / Merill Markoe -- from A night at the opera / The Marx Brothers -- "Ethnic poetry" / Julio Marzán -- "Jackie Mason on Starbucks" / Jackie Mason -- from Prejudices : first series, "The blushful mystery" / H.L. Mencken -- from Are women people?, "Our own twelve anti-suffragist reasons" ; "Why we oppose pockets for women" ; "Why we oppose women travelling in railway trains" ; "Why we oppose votes for men" ; "The universal answer" ; "What every woman must not say" / Alice Duer Miller -- from The rants, "Dysfunction" / Dennis Miller -- from Gone with the wind / Margaret Mitchell --

from Aunt Carmen's book of practical saints, "Prayer to the saints" / Pat Mora -- from Good intentions, "Not George Washington's, not Abraham Lincoln's, but mine" / Ogden Nash -- from Bill Nye and boomerang, "Suggestions for a school of journalism" ; from Baled hay, "Fun of being a publisher" ; "What is literature?" ; "Table manners of children" / Bill Nye -- from Complete stories, "The garter" ; "The little hours" / Dorothy Parker -- from Living to prowl, "Book tour" / Sam Pickering, Jr. -- from The bell jar / Sylvia Plath -- "How to write a blackwood article" / Edgar Allan Poe -- from You don't have to pet to b popular, "Come on down and wallow at low self esteem world for women" ; "Mail order alternatives to costly psychotherapy" ; from Do you hate your hips more than nuclear war?, "What's in the refrigerator?" ; "Girl's eye view...boy's eye view..." ; "Can you qualify for virginity re-certification?" / Libby Reid -- from Essays in miniature, "Battle of the babies" ; from Counter-currents / Agnes Repplier -- from Rock this!, "We all look the same in the dark" ; "Mommy? can I say 'nigger?'" ; "School daze" / Chris Rock -- from The writings of Will Rogers, "The older we men get, the more cuckoo we are" ; "The lady mosquito is busy, thanks" / Will Rogers -- from Reflections of a bachelor girl ; from Book of flirts ; from It must be thrilling to be a man / Helen Rowland -- from Classic Peanuts, "Author questionnaire" / Charles Schulz -- from Me talk pretty one day, "Today's special" / David Sedaris -- "Amerikans" / Henry W. Shaw -- from Wanda Hickey's night of golden memories and other disasters / Jean Shepherd -- from The rape of the A.P.E. / Allan Sherman -- from A tree grows in Brooklyn / Betty Smith --

from Outrageous acts and everyday rebellions, "If men could menstruate" / Gloria Steinem

"On female problems" / Pam Stone

"The cliché expert testifies on literary criticism" / Frank Sullivan

from Women who date too much (and those who should be so lucky), "The woman who mistook her blind date for a potential husband" / Linda Sunshine

from The power of Judyism / Judy Tenuta

from Is sex necessary? or, why you feel the way you do, "The sexual revolution : being a rather complete survey of the entire sexual scene" / James Thurber, E.B. White

from The progress of dulness, 1772-1773, "A college education" / John Trumbull

"Speech on the babies" ; "Fenimore Cooper's literary offenses" / Mark Twain

from Museums and women and other stories, "Under the microscope" / John Updike

from How did I get to be 40 & other atrocities, "Self-improvement program" / Judith Viorst

from The search for signs of intelligent life in the universe / Jane Wagner

"And so God says to Charles Darwin : let there be light in Kansas" ; "Assuming the PLOTUS position" / Gene Weingarten

One-liners ; from Pleasure man ; from The constant sinner ; from A bio-bibliography / Mae West

from The house of Mirth / Edith Wharton

"Hezekiah Bedott" / Frances Miriam Whitcher

from City boy / Herman Wouk.